Are you a Geeky Traditional Metal Purist?

If all these traits describe you, then you are a Geeky Traditional Metal Purist (do note some of these apply to me, there's some elitist in me but I just have to poke fun at some of the inconsistencies the full blown metal elitists have)

* You claim to be open-minded cause you listen to KISS, AC/DC, Guns N Roses, or any other non-metal rock band.
* “How can anyone listen to non-metal?”
* Non-metal is gay. Except for the stuff you listen to so that you could re-assure yourself that you’re “open-minded”.
* The only black metal band you listen to is Venom.
* Anything with the word “core” is emo.
* You complain about gimmicks in metal and not having a gimmick is a gimmick in itself.
* You get offended by drum machines
* Shadows Fall is emocore.
* There’s nothing metal at all about metalcore. Therefore it is inferior music.
* You say “Stay Metal” or “Metalhead for life” to fellow Motorhead and Iron Maiden fans.
* Opeth is generic melodic death but they’re too experimental for you cause of their acoustic guitars.
* You bitch about how Opeth’s Damnation album failed to be metal.
* Black Label Society actually doesn’t bore you.
* Solos are your favorite parts of a song.
* You refuse to listen to anything that doesn’t have a guitar.
* There is nothing gay about Judas Priest.
* You could see yourself listening to Repulsion and say they’re one of the grind bands you listen to but you end up not really listening to them and say you like them to appear as if you’re open to some grindcore.
* Saying metal is superior is not an opinion but a fact and your evidence is a Black Sabbath album.
* “Lemmy is God, end of discussion”
* Anything too fast is noisecore. Noiscore is shit.
* Killswitch Engage is a guilty pleasure.
* You bitch about music that has shitty riffs.
* “Metalcore is not music!”
* Commercial Glam rock is more respectable than underground hip-hop.
* You actually buy that collector’s edition box set shit of old 80’s bands cause there’s nothing else to buy in this age of dead music. It’s the same thing repackaged people!
* You’ve been talking about how metal has been dying over the years.
* A song lasting more than 10 minutes is unbearable.
* “It has a few good riffs but the rest is (insert nickname for feces)” is something you say about albums you think had potential but failed cause they were too modern.
* And Justice For All was Metallica’s downfall. (Yet you still own everything after that)
* Liking Thrash Crossover shows you are eclectic.
* You still bitch about Metallica as if nobody else could see how shitty they are now except you.
* Morbid Angel is grindcore nonsense.
* Grindcore is noisecore. Therefore grindcore is shit.
* All core shit sound the same.
* Converge and Korn play the same type of shit don't they?
* Breakdowns are annoying.
* "Metal is life and life is metal. Live for metal and metal will live for you" is a philosophy you take seriously.
* You’ll bitch about how all core shit sounds the same as you listen to some generic heavy metal band.
* You had a hard time admitting punk influenced some metal. But you accept it now cause you say metalcore is horrible.
* You think emo and nu-metal are the same thing.
* Meshuggah is noisecore.
* Fast drums piss you off.
* “Industrial metal? How dare you!”
* Inserting clean vocals in death metal is too experimental.
* Death metal is good only if it’s death/thrash, not death/grind.
* Everyone is stupid for not listening to metal.
* “Dream Theater is not that bad.”
* Keyboards must die if they’re being unpredictable.
* “Prog Metal is pretty good as long as it’s not Opeth or has too much jazz”
* Strapping Young Lad is death metal, not thrash.
* “Brutal Death Metal? More like noisecore shit”
* “Where are the riffs? The RIFFS!”
* Speed Metal rules cause it’s fast but grindcore sucks cause it’s fast.
* Black Sabbath and Cathedral rule cause they’re slow but Opeth blow cause they’re slow.
* You’re an intellectual for listening to metal.
* “Avant-garde is music?”
* NWOBHM bands are the most talented and skilled bands.
* Morbid Angel is metalcore now.
* You appreciate Power Metal the same way you appreciate classical.
* Mathcore is horrible no-talent nonsense.
* You don’t really like black metal but insist nu-metal retards listen to black metal instead. And when they do pick up on black metal, you bitch about whatever band they listen to are not tr00 enough because Mayhem is mallcore now.
* Death sold out.
* Long hair makes a difference.
* Melodic Death does not have any thrash qualities.
* Metal doesn’t suck. You do.
* There's no such thing as talented guitarists in metalcore.
* "Fine...Chimaera is metal but they still suck."
* You try to make it clear that you’ve always hated In Flames even before their blatant selling out.
* King Diamond is the most creative band you like.
* “Anyone want to trade tapes?”
* Jokes about Lemmy's face are a goldmine only real metalheads can find funny.
* You like Gwar for their music, but only sometimes.
* Cannibal Corpse is goregrind.
* “Whatever happened to the days of good metal?” you ask yourself everyday.
* “What! That’s not metal!”
* Whoever fuses jazz with metal again dies.
* You remember the line-up history for all your favorite bands.
* You'll whine about how metal needs to be accepted by the mainstream but if it ever does get big again it's cause it's false metal by default.
* The Misfits are too popular to have influenced anyone.
* You feel let down by your favorite bands when they say they were influenced by something you hate aka non-metal.
* You say technical skills don’t matter but hate metalcore and nu-metal cause it’s not technical enough.
* New bands would be decent if they played thrash and named themselves Slayer and murdered Slayer, then looked like them, and then took over their identities. It’s the only way a new band can be tolerated.
* “God Hates Us All?” more like “God hates this shit”.
* “I’m NOT satanic so I have no problem with satanic lyrics”
* “I’m NOT Christian so I have a problem with Christian lyrics.”
* “Metalhead” is a word you use often.
* Goregrind has more in common with Romantic Comedies than metal.
* Anal Cunt is the worst band you’ve ever heard.
* “How can anything new be good?”
* "Whoever made this list must be into gay core shit and is stupid enough to not love power metal"
* You never heard a real gothic metal band but you still hate gothic metal anyways.
* Neurosis would be okay if they took out the intolerable hardcore vocals.
* Alice in Chains is grunge, not metal.
* You're ambivalent towards black metal.
* Grunge/Nu-metal//Rap/Somethingcore/Pop//or/Whatever-is-popular-at-the-moment killed metal.
* You still say "long live metal" even though just a minute ago you were yammering on about how metal is dead and everything will always remain hopeless cause the kids just don't get it.
* Metalcore is an oxymoron.
* Anyone who hates NSBM is a liberal PC gay nigger hippie.
* You’d listen to Probot if it didn’t have Dave Grohl.
* You bitch about how kids need to listen to Manowar to hear some real metal. Then when they say power metal is homo-erotic, your only defense is "well they can play guitar dumbass, that's real metal".
* If you find yourself liking a punk band, they must be a crossover band.....yeah that explains it.
* This list is stupid and you posted it at some forum to mock it

contact: joseangeles AT muchomail.com

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