Sex Life of a Hypochondriac
"I contemplate whether finding Bigfoot is an easier task than finding a woman I'm comfortable having unprotected coitus with. True Story."
There are two things I miss the most, my virginity and my sanity. And I lost one because of the other. You see, I have an anxiety disorder. Must be related to a genetic thing I got from my mom who has obsessive compulsive disorder, which is known as the "doubting disease" due to this annoying doubt over safety, no matter how much overkill precautions are taken. It sounds stupid and that's because it is! What makes it even stupider is that you can't help it no matter how stupid you know it is. When I got active sexually, I started to just lose it mentally and I am mental to a degree still. I was so paranoid that I had every STD you can think of. I'd google symptoms for hours everyday. I felt like I was standing at the end of a cliff and a hair away from falling every time I took a piss and waited to see what color my urine would be. I was also wondering if I did or didn't feel a burn on my wiener every time I pissed cause my anticipation and objective reality were being confused by my worried mind. I'd look at my dick everyday for bumps or warts. My face was something I couldn't stop looking at too. Paranoid over herpes, I'd almost get a heart attack every time I thought I saw something on my lip or got a zit near my mouth.
I spent thousands of dollars on STD tests just cause I was addicted to hearing the word "negative" to calm me the fuck down. But my fucked up brain was so doubtful that it had a hard time trusting these expensive tests at first. There's a sexually transmitted virus called HPV, which is very common and easy to catch. It doesn't affect men beyond a chance of some harmless genital warts. In rare cases it can cause ass or penis cancer in men and in women it can give them cervical cancer. There's no test to find it in men, meaning I don't know if I have this damn thing or not. So now I don't even know if I'll ever try to have children cause I might end up giving the mother of my children cervical cancer by trying to make the children with her. There are HPV vaccines apparently for women, but a lot of studies say they're unsafe. This kinda scenario makes me uncertain whether my worries are just the irrational mental problems kicking in or if I really do have a legitimate reason to be alarmed.
Maybe my disorder really does make sense though? Maybe my mental disorder is simply an adaptive way of thought in this fucked-up reality cause there are other scary facts about sex like how there is NO such thing as safe sex. Even fucking yourself is not safe, assuming you're already infected with something. You can have herpes on one body part and spread it to others! Oh, you going to bust out some condoms with the next woman you're going to meet up with? Well sorry buddy, Condoms don't make you invincible, they're just a piece of stupid rubber around only a few inches of your entire body. What about the rest of you? STDS can get on your balls too and that’s like not even an inch away from your cock. Think of it this way; are you really bulletproof when you wear a bulletproof vest?
If you plan on penetrating a bitch, you better have an entire latex suit, one that covers every inch of flesh. Don't want to do that? Go find a virgin then. You have to be a virgin that fucks other virgins to be safe. But there are so many lying pieces of shit that are pathetic excuses for people these days. So-called virgins can be the dirtiest whores ever. Honesty is an alien concept for a lot of bitches. Don't believe them if they say they're disease free. Rule #1 of life, assume the worst in people before anything else. Some of them will honestly think they're clean but viruses can still be lurking in them, waiting to make a victim of the next sorry guy that whipped out his cock.
Even if they take a test, shit like HIV takes like 3-6 months to be detected in their filthy systems from their last encounter. It's real tricky business. Say for instance Miss Slut fucks Some Guy with HIV. Miss Slut takes an STD test within one month and gets a false sense of security when the results are negative for an infection. She then meets up with Mr. Screwed, a man that previously didn't want to fuck her until his demand to see some cold hard test results were met. Well the tests results were negative technically and Miss Slut enthusiastically meets up with Mr. Screwed. Both of them think the coast is clear to fuck like bunnies. But in the end Mr. Screwed is just SCREWED. When you fuck a whore, you're basically fucking every other disgusting motherfucker she's been with. So in a way, fucking a bitch is GAY! Maybe you're better off kidnapping hardcore Christian family's children if you need something to plug with the wiener. I guess that's why priests fuck little boys. They like little boys guaranteed to be virgins cause these boys don't even realize the potential pleasure they can attain with that thing dangling between their legs. The concept of things up their asses is unknown to them so Priests can get away with some clean buttfucking. All the priests will have to worry about are shitstains on their cock. Yep, because so many women are dishonest whores, men are reduced to fucking children!
Yeah I'm talking a lot of trash about women, but guys are no better either. A lot of guys will pump a clean whore with viruses and not even realize it. They probably got the virus from some cheap whore they found off the street earlier. As a rule of thumb, the cheaper the whore, the more likely they're crackwhores that have already caused an STD epidemic within the local homeless community. Expensive whores that call themselves "escorts" and cost $1000+ an hour are a little cleaner. They only fuck guys with money and guys with money know how to manage their health and never had to resort to crackwhores with rotting twats. Expensive whores are also a lot better looking too, so you're more likely to keep an erection the entire time. It's important you keep an erection cause condoms will fall off your dick like a post it note in a tornado once you go limp. And once it falls off, there's a chance some vile pussy fluid splashes on your bare cock.
If you're a virgin, just keep fucking yourself. Virginity keeps you care free over STD bullshit. And it's something you'll only have once in your lifetime, unlike pussy, which you can fall in a downward spiral with. Sex is just not worth the risk and pain. Yes, there is severe pain. The wait and timing for std test results after each time you've had sex is major pain. It feels like your whole life is on shutdown until at least 3 months pass for accurate test results. And you don't know whether to start writing your will or just relax and enjoy life. I remember the last time I was in pain from waiting for an STD test, I was seriously plotting revenge on the last bitch I was with if I caught something. I didn't know what her apartment number was but I remembered her building and was ready to just blow the entire thing up, even if it meant taking out thousands of other people. I figured why would it matter, I was going to die, take her down no matter the cost. Well, I didn't catch anything from her, so no I'm not going to blow anything up, you can go away now FBI.
If pregnancy were the only thing to worry about with sex, sex would be cool cause you'd get to FUCK someone and KILL something in the end. To FUCK and KILL, man's simple joys. But no, a fetus is like the last thing to worry about these days, what with millions of disease bags roaming the earth and opening their legs to anyone or anything. Pregnancy is the least scary STD although you do have to end that fetus/virus as soon as possible. Cause after 9 months, that virus is going to be expensive and drain you of the life you once knew. Many women that get pregnant during their college years are forced to drop out and end up working shitty jobs. Shitty jobs don't pay the best, but they're the most available money there is. You just end up living paycheck to paycheck with a sense of regret and suicidal urge as each hour ticks away slower and slower during a headache-inducing day at a shitty job.
With all this said combined with my anxiety disorder and unhealthy paranoia,
I've given up real sex completely until I find a woman I could truly have faith
in (maybe I'd have better luck finding bigfoot?). I got a rad porno collection
so I'm just gonna stick to my porno to keep my cock happy. Sex is overrated
in real life anyways. Porno makes it look cool by editing out all the awkward
qweefing and all the pornstars are hotter than any real life whores. Pornstars
have pretty assholes that look sweeter than candy. Until there's an effective
way to scan the population for all the diseased whores and scumbags so that
we can quarantine them and let them drown in an ocean of bleach, I'll be an
anti-social masturbator.
contact: joseangeles AT muchomail.com